Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I am not skilled to understand

Discernment:  judging wisely and objectively; "a man of discernment".
Used in Christianity as one's ability to comprehend God's will for one's life.
  I have had the lyrics to this song in my head all day. 

"I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned."

It is particularly close to me this last week because for the first time in my life I think I might actually grasp it.

You see, I'm a controller. I came into this world during an out of control time in my mother's life, and I think somehow that gave me an intense desire to make sure that my own little bubble always stays under my control. Can you see where this becomes a problem for a Believer? What about leaving my problems, fears, needs at the foot of the cross? 

I found this photo and I just fell in love. I've done it all. I've written my problems on a piece of paper, and nailed them to a cross. I've knelt at the foot and poured my honest heart out, but I've never really been able to just let it go. I find myself thinking about the same issues and worries just a day or an hour later. I will catch myself still trying to find a way to control the issue. 

Knowing that I have to get a grip on my inability to handle every situation that comes my way hasn't really helped me to stop it. It's mildly like knowing that Krispy Kreme's make my tummy upset, but I eat them anyway. It's largely like knowing that God has walked my path for me and prepared the way but still feeling nervous as though there might be some surprise he didn't see. 
It is also sometimes intensely difficult to be in a valley and know that it is his perfect plan for me. Why the valley? 
I heard a discussion on the radio today discussing this very issue. When the future seems impossible, when science says there is NO way, and when man thinks it can't be done there is a reason. I've heard it before, but just really hearing it this time. It is these instances where it is God can "show up and show out",as my friend Lori would say. It is in our weakness that his strength is made perfect. It is during times when I feel like I've failed, that his grace is sufficient for me. 

I have a specific circumstance currently that I was extremely involved in. Mentally, emotionally, and otherwise. For the first time in my entire life that I can remember, I have successfully left my desire to control it at the foot of the cross, and walked away FREE! 

My name is Courtney and I am a recovering controller. I am 6 days free.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6

Happy Willing Wednesday


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